Today’s story is a spinoff from the Yin Feng Shui stories. As promised on yesterday’s story on Yin Feng Shui – Stage 2, I will write my second experience on the hiding in Darkness. First experience during the Yin practice – I will write it in the near future.
On 28th May 2008, I went for my spinal surgery as Cauda Equina Syndrome was diagnosed for me after the traffic road accident. I came out of the surgery room still feeling blurred and cranky and complaint of a chest pain. I was transferred to a High Dependency Unit (“HDU”) for an observation. When I was recovering from the anesthesia, I felt a superb sharp pain on my backbone.
I tried to turn my body but however I was being stopped by the HDU nurses and I went back to sleep. When I finally woke up and got my senses back, that was the real nightmare. I could not sense my legs and also could not control them. Panic attacked, I shouted at the nurses and demanded my surgeon to come. Of course, the surgeon did come and access and he also asked a neurosurgeon to access my condition.
I was then sent to the normal ward as I was no longer having any chest pain. At there, a full body MRI was done on me and the surgeons were discussing whether a second surgery was needed to improve my condition. Few days later, the surgeons came to me and broke the news that nothing can be done and I have had to face the reality.
I grabbed hold on the surgeon’s shirt and pulled him and demanded him to do something. Of course at then, other surgeons pulled him off and tried to comfort me. They said they would try their best but I had to face the reality as chances were very slim. After that, they called upon a psychiatrist to assist me mentally and psychologically.
At that material time, I was like…… it is difficult to put in words. I can’t walk. Where are my legs? Why Why WHY??!!! All my future is gone….
At then I was very weak and even my upper body was also very weak and was suffering from a shock. I tried to get off from the bed and see if I could walk but my back was too painful after the surgery. I was bed bounded. Everything became very dark and I had the urge to commit suicide. Furthermore at then, I was also suffering from retrograde amnesia.
As time goes by, when families, friends and relatives came to somehow talked to me console me comforted me. In the front, they smiled. I could imagine their sadness when they were not in front of me.
Then, my gut feel is that I had to “hide” in darkness. In other words, I became a joker and acted “positively” in front of people. When they leave me and I was alone in the hospital room, I would ask the last visitors to switch all lights off. Then I would draw the curtains around my bed and closed curtains to have extra darkness. This was to create my own “space”. In the small dark area, I would just break down and cry, cry and cry and cry. Darkness consoled me. I would just confess all my feelings to darkness. It was just like a world of myself – Slowly, I became more and more “fond” of darkness. Well, then I was having amnesia, it did not occur to me I was formally a Yin practitioner.
As days, weeks and months gone by, my sadness might have been drowned in the darkness. Suddenly, a strength or a voice pierced through the darkness and said, “Train in the dark and excel in the light”. This somehow motivated me and I decided to undergo a “demonic” training 魔鬼训练. As hospital does not allow patients like myself (high fall risk) to “walk” around and should I need anything, I should press the call bell. Well, to me, this would do no good to me. I decided to use my upper body to support myself getting off from the bed and learn to stand properly, transfer from bed to wheelchair and wheelchair to bed and used walking frame to train my walking. I would usually do this training in the night as I was in a single room and no one would know. Furthermore, my curtain was closed. Very very dark – Not sure if the nurses would feel afraid if they come into my room. Haha!
Of course, falls do occur. If not being caught, then I would try to get up from the floor and do the transfer here and there again. There are occasions when the nurses came in and just nice I fell, then they would assist me up and of course I would have to face beautiful nice music from them. Each time, I would promise them that I would not ever do it again that is to walk again, but each time when the nurses walked out of my room, I would tell myself that promises are meant to be broken one, so…………..
Till date, it was a blessing that I could use mobility aids to ambulate for a short distance but that also caused my right hand to undergo a surgery
Yes, I do admit that sometimes when I retreat, I will retreat back into the darkness again. After gaining much strength, then I appear again. Probably this is due to my nature caused by too much Yin practice. For Yin practitioners, darkness is the place where you can be yourself. In other words, a comfort zone.
So this short experience of mine may somehow show you how Yin practitioners “embrace” darkness and do “secret” training
Well, somehow I would say, my experience from yin training and practice somehow had saved my life. If not for this practice, I might have already jumped off and landed downstairs and you all have to transfer money to me via burning of joss papers.
Now that I had given a second chance to live on, I will treasure it and enjoy the every second and minute I am living now. Best part is to write stories after stories. Hopefully, these stories won’t bore you down. Even though there is no reader, I will still continue to write – to pass down the Yin practice and its essence.
Well, although I had gotten over of the accident and my disability, I don’t understand why each time when I tried to talk and think about it, tears will just flow.
Anyway, please stay tuned for more stories and I will be training hard for my upcoming race and may get very exhausted after the training and hence I apologise for the slow updating on stories.
As at now, this is Fong Chun Cheong, wiping off his tears, signing off. Well, at least you can understand about my fall. Feng Shui practitioners are not exempted from mishaps. This is also a reality a practitioner has to face. Stay humble…