I was still in the daze with severe lower back pain after the accident. I hoped around hospitals to seek doctors’ consultations and opinions.
Cauda Equina Syndrome was diagnosed by the doctors I seeked and emergency surgery was recommended. However, then I was still in total shock after the trauma and went into denial and did not go for any surgery. It was then my doctor called up my parents and informed them of my condition and an emergency surgery was to be done.
Then my parents told me that the hospital and doctor had called them to inform the severity of my condition. Still in my daze with the automatic mode controlling my body. I proceed on with the surgery as recommended.
That was my first surgery in my life and of course it was very frightening.
On 28th May 2008, the surgery was performed.
After the surgery, I was transferred to the High Dependency Ward and after which, I was transferred to the normal ward where I spent my 9 months there.
The pain after the surgery was very severe and intense and I was on morphine and was quite sedated. Nightmares and flashbacks of the accidents kept haunting me but I was helpless then as I was still in a “semi-conscious” mode.
Few days after the surgery, I was quite conscious and aware of my surroundings. HOWEVER, I felt something amiss.
I COULDN’T FEEL MY LEGS!!!
I panicked and pulled up my blanket to check if my legs were still there. A little consolation then was my legs were still intact and were a part of my body.
Why my legs weren’t moving and responding to my command from my mind. I tried my very best to concentrate to move my legs and with all my might and strength, my legs were still lying there MOTIONLESS.
This can’t be true. I screamed. Well, I was in a single room so no one heard me as the sound proof was very good. Still screaming, I clenched my fists and kept hammering my legs.
To my horror, I could only feel my fists but not my legs. It was as if my fists were hammering on another object not pertaining and relating to my body. I was in a state of shock. At that material point in time, no one was with me probably it was in the midnight as I had already lost touch with time (and space).
I could only opened my eyes and mouth bigger and stared at my legs. How long did this staring incident occur? I guess pretty long until my doctor came into the room.
I was like a mad person (Few days haven’t bathe, stunned like vegetable, hair messy messy, etc.) and screaming away at my doctor and asked what happened to my legs.
He was calm and steady. Shaking his head, he firmly advised me to be prepared to face reality and have to continue my life in a wheelchair.
No! No! No! This can’t be true!!! How to accept this as a fact? Never!
I begged him to cure me and bring my legs back to normal function. Tears were flowing, teeth were clenched, body was very tensed up, I think my blood pressure then might have hit the boiling point.
A repeat MRI (from head to toe) was done and a team of specialists were called upon to discuss if a surgery intervention was able to assist my legs to regain their function. Conclusion was nothing can be done then.
Devastated, this was another major blow to me.
I was chanting this mantra – “I cannot feel my legs, I cannot feel my legs, I cannot feel my legs……”
How? What Should I do? Where are my legs? Why am I in this shit? Who am I? Why this things happen? Why I couldn’t control my legs? I want to die! I don’t want to live on! I want my legs! – All these negative thoughts polluted my mind.
Under my Yin practice, this warrants a Harakiri as it was a sense of failure in life. Now I could understand why sharp objects are not allowed in hospital rooms. Even if there was a sharp object then, I was unable to reach it as I had already became a Fixed Asset or in other words, immovable asset.
The feeling of “want to live cannot, want to die also cannot” (求生不得，求死不能) had overwhelmed me. Furthermore, I had also became a prisoner of the hospital bed – unable to move around in my free will and was dependent on others in whatever things I wanted to do e.g. taking a glass of water, etc.
Guilt, fear, anger, sadness, depression, etc. overpowered me.
What made these feelings worse were from family, loved ones, relatives, friends, etc.
As you can imagine, then when they visited me, they would just ask and comment why like that and some would ask how are you going to live on and even worse some left me fearing that I would trouble them.
All the worries, fear, guilt, etc. were already circulating in my mind and my loved ones were helping me to recite these over and over again. I don’t blame them as this was a natural instinct to do upon seeing a loved one being paralysed.
A simple hug was what my heart was asking for. Well, not available for me. <Hence, if any loved ones suffer any feelings that are detrimental to their well-being, a simple encouragement, smile and hug brings them great comfort.>
I termed this period in my life as “The Collapse of my life” – Everything ended in an instant.
That was the lowest point in my life and that gave chance for nightmares, flashbacks, great distress, negativity mindset, hyperarousal, etc. to overpower me. Everyday I was reliving the accident in my dreams and even when I was awake and blamed myself.
I think I end my chapter here – not easy to face my fear again and document it down.
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