After my surgery, the surgeon came towards me and broke this news “Fong, I am sorry to tell you that you have to be prepared to be wheelchair bounded for the rest of your life.”
I grabbed him on his shirt and asked why I can’t feel my legs. Where are my legs? He reassured me that my legs were still attached to my body but yet my nerve around the backbone were seriously damaged and there is no chance of recovery.
I couldn’t believe it. While in the hospital, I requested to take a home leave and take the Mount Elizabeth hospital ambulance to National University Hospital to seek a second opinion. The professor there also told me the same opinion.
Reality is painful. I didn’t accept this painful reality then. I tried to stand up but to no avail. I kept crying and was suicidal. I did try to end myself by jumping but I couldn’t even stand. I did not have the strength and ability to end my life and then since I cannot end my life, I need to live on but in a wheelchair.
I came to face the painful reality and trained myself to live on in a wheelchair and learnt how to live independently like moving around, doing businesses in the toilet, climbing up and down the stairs.
Facing reality is a good thing to do as it will help one to stay focus and like in the above, I will not dream of miracles and settle down my life and move on in a wheelchair.
However is facing reality enough?
For a Yin Fighter, NO!!!
We need to INTERROGATE our reality.
Then my reality was I have to move on in life in the wheelchair. Imagine if then I accept this reality and don’t make any changes, I will automatically adjusted my life to wheelchair and my mind (conscious and subconscious) will just prove it right that the reality is true.
Yes, reality is so real and furthermore all doctors supported this reality. I interrogate this reality. Yes, I accepted the reality however I wanted so much to rewrite my reality. I wrote on a piece of paper “I will walk again” and stick on my wall and I have to be honest with myself – I do not want to be in wheelchair.
I treat all the doctors opinions and reality as merely ASSUMPTION – Assumption that I am unable to walk. If I have to defend this assumption, it means that I have decided to give up and never to walk again. How many times you have come across asking someone why he can’t do certain thing e.g. rollerblading and his answer is I scared ah, I scared falling, cannot lah my legs injured, I too fat and cannot balance, blah blah blah. He is merely defending his assumption.
So I need to question this assumption. If you want to make any changes, continually question your assumption(s) and reality. Well, sometimes reality is also made up by your assumptions. By questioning my assumption, I am rewriting my reality and as such courage will come naturally to assist and push you for change.
Remember being a Yin fighter, these negative labels are prohibited:
I cannot make it
I am hopeless
I can never <do certain things>
Why should I?
Don’t be a victim in your reality. After you face your reality, challenge it if you want change. If you are happy with what you are now, then stay put; else just fight and don’t worry about what is the outcome.
p.s. my future chapters upload will be slow due to the passing of my grandmother this morning 16th April 2015.