This journal is dedicated to a friend whom I had entered a mission with recently and of course to my number one lecturer, Mr Ng Eng Poh.
This is a journal and not a story and is based on my personal opinions and perspective and feelings, etc. Hence it is not based on Yin theories. You can treat it as your bed time story.
Today, I managed to meet my Accounting Lecturer, Mr Ng Eng Poh, to talk to him with regards to Tiff, Venn and Phil. Mr Ng is also a psychologist. I had known him for 17 years and of course he did guide me and I passed my ACCA at the age of 21. When I was (then) young, any problem I was facing I would approach him and even till date, I am still finding him in the event I face any challenges.
Background history (in brief here) I gave him was
1) Venn passed on some 7 years ago in a road accident when she was on her way back to sg for the purpose of visiting me in the hospital. Well, I felt very guilty for that incident.
2) Phil had taken her life due to our “occupational hazard” and of course this had shocked and shaken me and this also triggered my guilty feelings for Venn.
3) Tiffany cuts ties with me due to self-blame and anger. Whether she is dead or alive by now, I have no idea. I am dead worried about her.
4) I have been trying to tame my mind down but all the above 3 kept merry go rounding in my head. If this goes on, I will step into depression again and thus I seek his professional help.
This was what Mr Ng advised me (and how I interpreted it):
For (1) Venn, it was usual and out of goodwill that she wanted to come back to Singapore to visit me. And it was not anyone’s fault that she got into an accident and lost her life. Given if I was in her situation then and know that someone closed had admitted into hospital, I would also want to return back to Singapore to visit my loved one(s).
What was her motive of wanting to visit me? It would maybe that she wanted me to take good rest and be patient and to recover as much as I could. This was her wish then before her death.
What can I do for her now? Be sad and always guilty. It is not going to help her or me and furthermore she does not want me to be hurt and as such, I had to be well again so as to fulfill her wish for me. And also, got to update ccfong.com stories (ie. to document down what we do) as to do what she wanted to do while she was alive.
For (2) Phil, yes, it was painful to hear how she took her life away. However, this was her choice. What can I do for her now? Practically, nothing at all. At most, I can only pray for her. And if her death causes me to remember Venn, I have to refer to the above paragraph(s).
For (3) Tiffany, she cuts ties with me. Why would she do that? I have to give her space for her to recover.
And what do I want her to be from now? Well, of course, I hope she can recover and be stronger again.
And what can I do for her? Again, I have to give her the space for her to cool down and get back up while I, myself, too have to get up too.
If I am now in this current state of mind, do I think that I am able to help her if she lets me? Honestly, no. Hence, I have to let her to be strong again and when she is ready, my door is always open for her to come in and “whack the hell out of me”.
What is the worst-case scenario for her? She takes her own life. And what can I do? Nothing too.
In conclusion, we have to give each other the space to “recover” again and I should focus on myself and she is not a robot that I can control so I can only pray again.
For (4) why I couldn’t tame myself down? Well, it is difficult. However, I am alert enough to know the signs and symptoms of myself getting into depression and was brave enough to seek professional help.
It may be due to the past experiences I had encountered from the road traffic accident and that is why I am able to aware that I may be going into depression again.
Mr Ng advised me in the event if I am unable to find him or seek any help (for whatsoever reasons), I have to write all my problems down in a piece of paper or update my journals or stories in ccfong.com. This enables me to look at myself and my pattern and thus able to reframe my fear and problems so as to “tame” myself down.
Another advise from him is that I continue with my exercise regime to distract myself from depression. However, he highlighted this pattern in me (since 17 years ago) that I would always over exert myself beyond limits that may cause harm to myself too.
I did apologise to him that I have a weak mind and couldn’t take control of my mind like how I always advised others to. He said this was not the mind being weak but rather I am in a situation where I temporary cannot find a solution or a way to overcome it. Analogy made by him was eg. a Cardiologist is able to treat and manage patients while patients have heart attacks – But is he able to treat and manage himself if he personally gets a heart attack?
Lastly, some people even Tiffany said that Bravery is needed to end their own life i.e. committing suicide. Mr Ng enlightened me. So you look down to ground level from 20th storey and you just want to jump and it is out of 冲动 that you jump. You think that by ending your life solves everything? Nope and it gives sadness and pain to people and closed one surviving.
So what is braver than committing suicide?
It is to stay alive and face the problem.
After Mr Ng guided and advised me on the above, he then asked me what was my action plan.
Action plan is to write all these down and to move on. By writing down, it is letting my brain let out all my unhappiness; and thank you for reading it.
From here, I have words for Tiffany. I know you are reading…
Yes we have this code whereby “Afterall, Death awaits us if we choose to live by warrior’s code.”
The so called honorable death like what Phil did, I condemned it. This is not bravery. It is a form of disgrace and weakness.
My Tiffany, set ablaze your fighting spirit soon! My fists are closed tight and awaits your return.
Thanks for all your concerns and messages of encouragement to me. I feel much better and closed to being normal again.
Thank you Sensei Wong and Mr Ng Eng Poh for your guidance this period.
As at for now, this is Fong Chun Cheong, preparing his speech on 5th April, signing off.