Today’s story is a story totally different and not related to feng shui, yin feng shui, spirits, etc.
I have many feedbacks that some of my stories so far in ccfong.com are scary and they asked me if I am not fear of all these stuff? To me, these are my practices and life and nothing to be afraid of or fear.
However, today’s story is my biggest fear I ever faced in my years of experience or maybe in my years of living.
Once again, you may treat this as fictional as you deem fit but I advise against it Hehehehe….
This coming 26th April 2014 (Tomorrow) marks my 6th anniversary of my accident that impacted my life and practice.
6 years ago on 26th April 2008 and also a Saturday, I was rear ended by a bus and was injured and paralysed waist down. Went for surgery and so on….. Doctors certified permanent disability, etc. Physical aspect of injuries did not cause fear in me as I, then, braved forward, telling myself to further train my physical body again. Even though I am unable to move on using my lower limbs, I would still ambulate around using a wheelchair and try to adapt and continue to live my life. As in Asura / Yin practice, nothing can stop me – Even if I am left with nothing, as long as I have a breath, I will still persist and fight on.
So, physical aspect did not cause any hurt or fear in me.
BUT, the mental aspect of it gave me a chance to understand what is FEAR.
After the accident, I felt STUCK with a constant sense of danger and painful memories.
Yes, the accident had been over and I am already safe. However, it was as if I was going through the same accident daily.
During daytime while I am awake, there are these flashbacks in my mind and these flashbacks would distract me from reality and bring me back to the material point in time when the accident occurred. In other words, lets say if you are talking to me in Bugis Junction, suddenly the flashbacks would just appear in my mind and what I would see is not you and where I am is not in Bugis Junction – I am being brought back to the point of accident and then comes with an explosive loud bang (being knocked by the bus) and I would feel “incapacitated” and would disconnect from you and then goes into fear.
During night time during my sleep, nightmares of accident with the explosive loud bang haunts me. Nightmares would relate to accidents similar and at times not similar to the actual accident I went through. Meaning to say, I would have nightmare that I am walking in the train and there is some big object hit me from behind with a loud bang. Always after the loud bang, I would wake up with my heart pounding at a superb high rate and at times I screamed.
Besides these 2 above symptoms of re-experiencing the traumatic event and increased anxiety, I did have a sense of a limited future. In other words, I would think that I was a disgrace to my Asura realm, family, life, etc. and I had the tenancy of ending my life in an Asura manner – Committing Suicide normally with a sharp object pierced through our stomach kneeling down after performing an Asura dance. Luckily, I was in the hospital where I have no access to any sharp objects and my legs were so weak that I couldn’t perform the Asura dance of shame and disgrace.
Cannot die means I have to live on. During that period while I was in hospital (9 months), many visitors came in and out. When there were people around me, I would try to put on a strong front and instead of they comforting me, I would comfort them by saying I be strong, etc. However, when there is no one in the room of 4 walls, my tears would just flow out free of charge.
I was being diagnosed as having Post Trauma Stress Disorder and was prescribed sleeping pills to knock me off and not having any nightmares or flashbacks. Too much of these medications “zombified” me – causing me to be a zombie and feeling detached from reality so much so that I had retrograde amnesia (forgetting my past).
If this continues, I knew for sure that my future would be gone and there would be no cure for this PTSD. I took up enough courage to tell the doctors to stop all medications for PTSD and I would overcome it using my mental strength as I believed mental condition (sickness) should be treated using self-mental ability. So acting against doctors’ advise, I rejected all medications for PTSD.
Sounds very hero hor? I did not cope well in the beginning. Breakdowns, depression, nightmares and flashbacks attack me non-stop.
What made it even worse was I received news that Venn had passed on in an accident while she was trying to make a trip in overseas back to Singapore to visit me.
I couldn’t handle all alone. Depression, hopeless, feeling alienated and alone – all the negative feelings you can think of, I experienced everything. At that time, I approached the Singapore Association for Mental Health SAMH for professional assistance. Through their professional guidance, I took up sports and focused on training so much so that I overcame PTSD and took control of my life. Example can be seen at www.simplygiving.com/fong
And not forgetting about all your support, jokes with me and encouragement, I also overcame PTSD.
Can PTSD be fully recovered?
In my opinion as a victim of PTSD, I would say no. Till date, I still have nightmares and flashbacks however with very minimal frequencies and most of the time, I am able to cope with it or ignore it. Probably, I would opinioned that one should learn to cope and deal with PTSD instead of finding a cure for it.
To look at the brighter side of the story, I am so fortunate to have undergone PTSD as it had toughen up my mental strength, courage and toughness. Well, it takes a lot of courage to write this story too.
And tomorrow 26th April 2014 is 6th year anniversary… Having gone through, I would pledged to toughen myself and be a good Asura fighter, Yin practitioner, a story teller who don’t always give excuses not to write one, a firm vegetarian who stops dreaming of eating fried chicken wings, a physical trainee who will always continue to steal lazy (偷懒), etc.
This short story is dedicated to my dear LMX; and written in memory of Late Venn who used to persuade the lazy me to pen down all my experiences; and also serves as a good luck blessing to Tiffany who had made an agreement with me on some arrangement with effect from 26th April 2014 1730hrs (time of my accident 4 years ago).
Please stay tuned for more upcoming stories. Next I will continue to write about the poison arrow and maybe thinking of writing stories like people die already how and what to expect under Yin fs theory. Stay tuned.
As at for now, this is Fong Chun Cheong, preparing to have nightmares, signing off….