Apologies for the lagging in stories upload as I was busy trying to balance myself and walk properly. Well, these are mere excuses… I am just lazy. ;P
Today’s story is a spin-off from other spiritual or fengshui stories and it is dedicated to a good friend, Eileen, wishing her a steady recovery
I wish to state that I am no medical profession and the story I am about to write below is based on my own experiences and my understanding on PTSD. No reliance, in any way, on this story should be taken.
Here it goes….
On one sunny side up egg Saturday afternoon somewhen in April 2008, I was happily driving my car along a slip road entering into another slip road leading to TPE(PIE). I stopped at the give way junction and then bing bang buang, I kenna banged from the rear.
Painless at the beginning, so I, as per any ordinary person would do, came out of my vehicle and walked towards the vehicle that hit me from rear. Suddenly a super spiky sharp piercing pain came from my back and the feeling was as if someone use a long spear and stabbed from my backbone all the way to my mouth. Painfully, involunteerarily, unwillingly, reluctantly, I collapsed onto the ground and T.K.O.ed….
Then go hospital, being opened like a durian (surgery), and I can’t feel my legs. It was as if my lower part of my body was gone. At that time, while I was talking to you, I can do my toileting in front of you without me knowing. In other words, I passed out motion and urinated onto my pants without me having any sensation. It was devastating.
What made it even worse was when my surgeon came into my room and broke the news tactfully to me that I had to prepare for the worse and to be ready for being bed bounded or at most wheelchair bounded for the rest of my life.
Depression immediately sets in.
I chose to swallow this depression all by myself. In front of family, relatives, friends, etc., I acted strong and did not seem to be affected by my physical status. However, during night time when everyone was away, I was trapped in the four walls of my hospital room and Flashbacks and Nightmares of the accident haunted me. The room was flooded with my tears.
It was fear, fear and fear. I tried to handle this depression, flashbacks and nightmares alone till things gone out of hand. I got into a depression known as Post Trauma Stress Disorder.
It was very very extremely scary. For a person who whacks black magic, performed Yin Feng Shui in graveyard, etc. he felt extremely scared and frightened. Flashbacks of the accident haunted me about 3 to 4 times in an hour and during nighttime or sleep time, nightmares of the accident woke me up countless number of times.
It was as if I was stuck in the material point in time when I was involved in the accident – the fear and the pain.
I cried and wheel myself (using motorized wheelchair) out to the nurse station and cried and cried and cried.
A psychiatrist was being called in. PTSD was diagnosed and anti depression medicine and sleeping pills were prescribed. I started on these drugs. As days went by, I felt like a zombie, feeling numbess from head to toe and like a stone. The medication did not help me – I felt that it only assisted me in coping with the flashbacks and nightmares so much so that I had a retrograde amnesia.
I realized that if this persists on, I would have a dark future. I acted against doctor’s advise and rejected all medications that were used to cope with my PTSD. I felt that they weren’t cures but rather stimulants that made me cope with depression.
Ya ya papaya me nearly lost my life. As I stopped medications, the depression went out of control and also got out of hand and voice started coming out telling me to end my life. Well, I did try but luckily I told myself if I become superman, I will die very ugly. So that Vain me decided to u-turn and decided to live on. I told myself that since I did not intend to die, I would try all best to recover to as best as I could. Since then, I began the Asura lifestyle… Whack till I collapse.
I took up swimming, table tennis (for disabled), triathlons, and going to gym and now writing ccfong.com with the hope of recovery.
Even with these activities, the Post Trauma Stress Disorder did not go away. I was still being affected by it. As I rejected all medical treatment by the psychiatrist, I did not go back to them. Instead, I approached the Singapore Association for Mental Health (SAMH) and seeked help. The psychologist was good there. Talked to me and performed some eye movement and tapping therapy.
Years gone by and few months back I asked my specialist is it still possible for me to recover fully. Of course his advice is the possibility is low but however if I can exercise and recoup back some of my leftover muscles in my legs, there may still have a chance though chances are slim. He encouraged me that though medical science deems impossible but he was sure that my determination could bring me miracle. He recommended me alternative medicine that is Martial Arts.
Karate had since become a part of my life.
My remedy for PTSD or any depression due to any reasons is to move on and do not look at what you do not have but instead, look at what you have.
I do not have the strength of normal legs. With the muscles still left in my legs, I will continue to train them under the guidance and personal coaching of my Karate Sensei and also my personal trainers and perform kicks and walking as far closely as possible to a normal person with normal legs.
My opinion from my experience – Post Trauma Stress Disorder or any Depression – There may be no “cure” for it. Forget about the past (example what you had in the past, for my case, my mobility) and move on with what you currently have.
I am trying to walk as normal as possible but everytime I walk or kick a few moment, I fall as my legs will go numb and become weak.
Stand up and walk again!!! Move on Till date, flashbacks and nightmares still continue to haunt me. The only difference is that they do not scare me as much as they did in the past. I had moved on.
Shitoryu Karate – My Life.
As at for now, this is Fong Chun Cheong, wishing my dear friend Eileen a steady good recovery, signing off.